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Pretty Much Everywhere, It's Going To Be Hot |
February 28, 2008 |
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In Haiti, the weatherman has to wear a name a tag that says "TV." Thanks, Arthur here. | |
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VH1's Behind The Haikus: Riveting Boners |
February 14, 2008 |
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Marvin: except a 7 inch cock diameter would be impressive Johnny: you could eat pancakes off of it Marvin: probably Johnny: alright, so I'm writing this pretty badass story Marvin: about wrestling? Johnny: no Marvin: about boners? Johnny: yes ~ Twenty-three minutes and twenty seconds pass ~ Marvin: well, are you going to tell me about this story? Johnny: no Marvin: can i read it? Johnny:
Marvin: riveting Johnny: riveting boners Marvin: it does Johnny: holy shit riveting boners Marvin: wow Johnny: it's the perfect haiku Marvin: ha Johnny: yeah, but it was different than just a straight convo Marvin: if you're up to it Johnny: I'll keep it open Marvin: your call Look at them boners a-riveting here. | |
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Marvin And Johnny: Ass To Ass |
February 7, 2008 |
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Remember that shitty MTV show where Wilmer Valderamma hosted those "Yo Momma" joke contests? I think it was called "Yo Momma." It would've been much better if Marvin and Johnny hosted that show. Except, it would be all about them arguing over who has the hairier asshole. Plus, it would have sweet graphics. God, it enrages me that a slimy punk like Valderamma nailed Lindsay Lohan. Anyway, enjoy the pilot. Johnny: My asshole's as hairy and swampy as a rainforest full of sasquatches Marvin: My asshole is like shit soaked spider webs Marvin: My asshole looks like it's covered by a box full of severely burnt cables. Johnny: My ass is so hairy, it beat Gandalf in a magic battle in Lord Of The Rings Marvin: My ass looks like a terrorist on its own accord  You've earned yourself a seat on the No-Fly-List, Yusef Islam Marvin: My ass once applied for the annual beard and moustache competition Johnny: People confuse me for a miniature pony when I moon them Johnny: Or they think I'm shitting out Rony Seikaly head first  Seriously, Marvin? Is that the hairiest picture of Seikaly you could find? Marvin: L'oreal once tried to sign my ass to a endorsement contract Marvin: My ass has its own afro pick Marvin: My ass looks like it was covered in glue and dipped in a barber's dumpster Johnny: My ass is so hairy, I got it permed Johnny: My ass is so hairy it looks like those Mexican wolf brothers making out with each other Marvin: My ass is so hairy, it looks like a young Jimmy Page Johnny: My ass is so hairy, I measure out my mile long jogs by tying the end of my ass hair to a pole and running until it feels taut Johnny: My ass is so hairy it got its own zip code! Johnny: DA-YUM! Marvin: DAZ!  Check out our awesome segue shots, Wilmer. Fuck you! Marvin: My ass was once confused for one of Bob Marley's sons Johnny: My ass was once confused for one of Bob Marley's sons . . . by Bob Marley Marvin: My ass was voted the second ugliest thing in the world behind Sandra Oh  So what if you were in Sideways? Your face is sideways. Marvin: My ass is so hairy, it played bass for ZZ Top Johnny: My ass is so hairy, National Geographic once mistook it for a Zulu woman's vagina Johnny: My ass is so hairy that I can use it as a comb over when I go bald Johnny: My ass is so hairy, midgets who can't afford a real retro-bead-door hire me to stand in their doorways with my legs spread Marvin: Leukemia patients' wigs are made out of my ass hair Marvin: Grizzly Adams was actually a documentary about my ass Johnny: My ass is so hairy, no matter how many hairs your ass has, mine has one more Marvin: My ass hair told me to tell you to shut up Johnny: I'm thinking this ass hair battle has gone on far too long, too. Johnny: In fact, the only thing longer than this ass hair battle is my ass hair Judge the winner (unless your Wilmer Valderamma) here. | |
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Super Tuesday Ill Ribbon: Our Favorite Politician |
February 5, 2008 |
 With the Primaries heating up our country's political fever, I am fondly reminded of my favorite politician - the man who I'm going to write-in and encourage others to write-in as well. Not only do we here at Marvin & Johnny award Mayor Mike Haggar an Ill Ribbon, we also throw our hats in as supporters for his presidential candidacy. That's right. Today is Super Tuesday, and I want everyone to write in Mike Haggar on the ballots. As Mayor of Metro City, Haggar took no guff from anyone, and he already has more executive experience than Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton combined. Plus, he's got super awesome muscles, and he'd get our troops out of Iraq, put himself there instead, and just beat up a bunch of insurgents. In addition, Haggar also has a pretty sweet mustache. He's a classic kind of handsome, the kind you don't see anymore. He's also a take charge kind of mayor. If Jim Naugle were half the mayor that Mike Haggar is, he would've stopped gays from having sex in public restrooms . . . physically. You'll never see Mike Haggar hiring a bunch of robots to do his bidding - or your own! Mike Haggar respects working class America, and he's going to beat taxes down. Hopefully, you've all seen the Mike Gravel campaign ad where he just stares at the camera for a few minutes, then picks up a rock, and drops it into the water. You probably haven't seen Mike Haggar's ad, but we've got it here. If Haggar tried to throw a rock into a body of water, chances are, he'd clear the water and demolish some punks who are up to no good on the other side. As an alternative, Marvin & Johnny present (video credit to Marvin) the first Haggar 2008 campaign ad. Don't Be A Pussy . . . Vote Haggar 2008 Donate to Haggar 2008 here. | |
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Moviegoin' Marvin And Johnny Enjoy Some Films |
January 31, 2008 |
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There Will Be Blood There are times where people piss me off with their lack of patience. In today's age, we want everything fast. We live in a society where people are content with grocery shopping at convenience stores as they don't want to compromise, well . . . convenience. Even some Subways have a drive thru to make your bad sandwich faster. I'm not that kind of person. I enjoy good old fashioned home cooking that takes forever but produces amazing food. You can sit there and roast a whole roast in your Showtime rotisserie in 35 to 40 minutes and have it taste terrible and be severely undercooked. I like the three days of marinade and hours of slow cooking method. It produces the best results every time. Based on that ideology, that is why I absolutely loved There Will Be Blood. This movie is slow, but I don't think slow is a bad thing. In fact, it's a great thing when done right. There are movies that are so dick slow, I want to die a million times (I'm looking at you, Ghost Dog). This movie is indeed slow, but stupid impatient Americans hate slow and don't appreciate suspense that isn't in the latest Resident Evil (film) installment. Zombies popping out at you are still pretty cool, but it's tired and really not so much suspenseful as it is shocking. Watching Jack Nicholson maniacally stare at nothing for minutes one end in The Shining is real suspense. You're thinking, what is this sick fuck up to? He's up to suspense, yo. Lots of it. P.T. Anderson has done a surprisingly phenomenal job directing this piece. The editing is damn good. The use of sound and music meshed with each scene flawlessly. Casting was unbelievable as a lot of actors I've never seen before rocked my ass. This comes a long way from Punch Drunk Love. I haven't seen it and I'm sure you think it's good, but it looks like some straight pussy shit to me. Daniel Day Lewis, good lordie, man. I'm having a hard time arguing with the idea that his performance in There Will Be Blood is the best acting performance in film history. Fuck that, it's probably the best in acting history. That includes all those pansy boy minstrels from the 1200's and shit. Either way, Daniel Plainview (Lewis' character) is the most cold-blooded dude ever. He basically doesn't really care who dies en route to lining his pockets with greenbacks. Plainview pretty much steals a baby and makes him his son to sap simple prairie folk into selling their land for sweet delicious oil. Daniel just beats up ministers and kills his brother and abandons his non-son because it interferes with business. He mocks God in front of a whole congregation of devout believers and he does it with a smile on his fucking face. The point is I could watch Daniel Day Lewis all Day Lewis. I could watch him lava-shit after a chili cook off for 85 minutes. He'd be grunting and flushed. He would force himself to sweat and look like he was dying on the toilet. While it might not be a good movie, his performance on its own would be worth the 9.75 admission. Hell, I'd watch From Justin To Kelly if he was in it.  Much props to Daniel Day, who may be the best actor of our time. Only if he acted in more shit and not masturbate in the glorious glow of his sheer talent all day long, we would have so much more to love. I give There Will Be Blood a 9.7 out of 10. It should shape up to be an excellent battle for Best Picture at the Oscars against No Country For Old Men. Unless, of course, Atonement wins the Oscar. In which case, I say we have P.T. Anderson and the Coens gang rape Keira Knightley as retribution. Also, I give it one year until we come across a core band named "There Will Be Blood." I fucking hate core kids so much.  National Treasure 2: Book Of Secrets Now that Marvin's done passing out Werther's Originals and telling stories about kids these days and their dagnab fast movies, it's time to talk about a real man's movie. That's right, I'm talking about National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets If you enjoyed National Treasure you'll enjoy the sequel. They're the same movie, only now the villain is a Southern guy instead of a British guy, and they're looking for a book instead of a room full of treasure. Disney knew not to mess with a formula that works. They just had to take it up a level. So the big dilemma was this: How do you convince people that something stupid, like a book, is worth hunting for? You raise the stakes, that's what! In the last movie, one major flaw was that the feds went apeshit when Benjamin Gates (played wonderfully by Nicolas Cage) stole the Declaration of Independence. I mean, fuck. Who gives a shit about a wrinkly piece of paper. It probably smells like a sheet of used douche. They pull out all the stops in Book of Secrets. In this film, Gates kidnaps the president. Now, you've got a psychological thriller on your hands. You've really got to sit back and ask yourself if Ben Gates is a real American who will fight for the rights of every man. If Gates is a real American, he'd fight for what's right. You add it up. He's dating a German chick, who is probably a Nazi working in conjunction with Al Qaeda. Also, he kidnapped the fucking president. That's like a slap in the face, man. Still, the numbers didn't add up. And then, like you knew all along, Gates shows his true colors: red, white, and blue. The Southern guy dies in some flood inside of Mount Rushmore, and Gates emerges the hero. Classic screenwriting and executed brilliantly from the rough draft all the way until post put the stamp on it. I give it 8 out of 10.  Agree here. | |
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Bumper Stickers For Right Wing America |
January 29, 2008 |
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As sure as shit, if you're driving down the highway, and you see a truck with an American Flag decal on it, you can rest assured that the driver drives like an asshole. Well, that's the way America drives, so get used to it or get off the road. That road I'm talking about is Earth, and the you (understood) I'm talking to is the rest of all of the gay countries. I suppose Britain would be alright if they weren't a bunch of fag mashers. Anyway, click here for a picture of my sweet X-Terra. I like to go off-roading on the weekends sometimes. People don't kill unborn babies . . . gays and immigrants do here. | |
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Cloverfield Is Going To Be Way Lame |
January 7, 2008 |
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There's a lot of hype over the new Cloverfield movie, so the scientists at Marvin and Johnny labs analyzed the trailer and developed three possible scenarios. Watch the video and decide for yourself which one of the three it is. Scenario One There has been an evil brooding in the hills of Ohio (or some other state, I don't know). It has taken the lives and sanity of several dozen impoverished rednecks. This menacing force grew tired of devastating the lives of poor white trash whose lives were already devastated. Therefore, this force, known as the Blair Witch, travels to New York City to generally fuck shit up. No one knows what the Blair Witch looks like (as far as I know, I've never seen the movies), which perfetly explains why we never see the enemy in the Cloverfield trailer. Hence, the mayor of New York City is desperate and calls the best police duo Los Angeles has to offer. After being retired for like ten years or some shit, Martin Riggs (played by the very crazy Mel Gibson) and Roger Murtaugh (played by the very black Danny Glover) get together one last time to fight this mysterious force. So Riggs and Murtaugh generally fuck shit up, being all clumsy and stumbling into doing the right thing over and over. They probably kill the Blair Witch and win the keys to the city. Riggs falls in love with Renee Russo and Murtaugh parties with those wacky hipsters from the first part of the trailer. He'll do a keg stand and specify how he is "too old for this shit."  Scenario Two There has only been one evildoer that has struck fear into innocent people for the last two decades. It's not Jason, Freddy, Jeffery Dahmer, or the guy who invented SARS. No one from the 80s, 90s, and 2000s has been more maniacal and unstoppable than the lizard king, Bowser. No one has fucked shit up as much as Bowser has. Mind you, he has never succeeded in his classic diabolical plots of stealing a dumbshit broad and killing a fat Italian. He could always just shoot him with a bullet that Mario can't outrun, or keep feeding him, as any middle aged Italian man has a pretty good chance of dying from a heart attack. Anyway, Bowser has always been good at one thing: providing awesome opening scenes. He always tears apart buildings and blows all sorts of shit up in the first twenty or so minutes of a game. Him in Cloverfield isn't any different as he annihilates New York City for a few minutes. I'm sure one of those douche party goers in their mid twenties goes through a journey of self discovery finds out he's a fat stubby plumber destined to beat up turtles, anthropomorphized plants and a series of mini bosses to get to Bowser and save the Princess. It makes perfect sense that the entire Bowser army of goombas and those badass flying boats from World 8 in Mario 3 is causing all that shit exploding in the trailer. What doesn't make sense is how a Princess has no personal security to prevent her inevitable kidnapping. Or at least carry some mace to slow Bowser down.  Scenario Three Alright, so the year is 2008, and homosexuals are running rampant, putting their dicks in each other's asses. Time is ripe for Satan to make his final stand on Earth. Meanwhile, Satan - ROB Satan - is partying before the big attack. He's in human form. That big fireball that you thought was Satan? That's Jesus, and he's fucking pissed. That's right. It's rapture time. This movie is basically a play by play of what's going to happen when it's time for the Kingdom of Heaven to descend upon Earth and cast all the sinners into the flames of Hell. SPOILER ALERT! It's not very crowded in the new Kingdom of Heaven on Earth. Between the gays, the muslims, all the other religions, and pro-choice fags, there's not too many people left. The movie ends with good prevailing and the heroes hanging out with God and Jesus, listening to Mick Joseph. Here's a twist! God and Jesus were the heroes all along. The time is now! Repent!  We here at Marvin and Johnny, and the rest of society, are pretty uncertain what this movie is actually about. However, we are certain of one thing: and that's Cloverfield looks like, and probably will be, a piece of shit. However, scenario two would be pretty badass. There's a place where Cloverfield can suck our assholes here. | |
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New Year |
January 2, 2008 |
   Abort your baby here. | |
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A Marvin And Johnny Christmas |
December 29, 2007 |
 Christmas is apparently the day that Jesus was born. That is most likely impossible as people in the late 1600s (the time of Jesus) didn't believe in calendars. They also didn't believe in other cool shit like the internet, lesbians, Philly cheese steaks, the T-top Camaro, and Ikea. So really, they were just from an era where there was a bunch of nothing and one awesome magician. All this magician did was live for somewhere between 12-90 years and set all these pain in the ass rules for us to follow. We have all that cool aforementioned shit plus two premier street magicians in Criss Angel AND David Blaine sans the religion. Take that, 1600s. We also understand we are to receive gifts for this momentous occasion. We in fact, did not receive anything because no one loves us. If we were to receive gifts, we wanted the following things. Marvin wanted (and still wants)
Johnny wants
So, if you see it fit to give us this awesome shit, that would be... pretty bitchin'. Otherwise, Merry Christmas and Happy Channukah all those other minority holidays we have to mention before people sue us. Love, Share your unsatisfied lists here. | |
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Merry Christmas, We Built You A Bear |
December 20, 2007 |
 Make it three in a row here. | |
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Moviegoing Marvin Compares Cinema Badasses |
December 11, 2007 |
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During the last week, I have learned an extensive life lesson on movie badassess. Thankfully, I have been graced with quality badassess I can look up to for inspiration; guys like Travis Bickle, Ah Jong, and Fievel Moskowitz taught me not to take shit from anybody and to fight back when applicable. I'm not sure if it's every guy's dream to be a true badass and fuck shit up for a reason like Ash or something, but we're always drawn to these heroes of the silver screen. So, I watched Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai last night. I've been wanting to watch this movie since forever, and I have never suffered a case of badass blue balls like I did when I went to bed. Thankfully, I was able to alleviate the lack of badass by jerking off onto a VHS copy of Shaft, but that won't stop me from complaining about this travesty of a film. Forest Whitaker, who can be a badass on his own accord, failed miserably in this movie. He plays this loner type from the hood who takes care of pigeons and is also a hit man for no reason whatsoever. He has katanas and shit but never uses them, which is a direct violation of badassery (bylaw 13.2.41: must use melee weapons if and when applicable). Instead, he just uses two boring silenced 9mms to kill a group of about ten fat, old, inept (redundant; all old people are inept as are all fat people - ed. note) mafiosos that might be the least threatening bad guys in movie history. These guys are all in their 60s (or older yet) and struggle going up stairs, let alone being able to kill one dude. One FAT dude, might I add. Notice below.  The only thing he's going to cut with that sword is his sandwich in half I can't believe that they had a fat dude play a samurai. I thought being a samurai was all about being honorable and deadly and having a svelte physique, ideal for killing mother fuckers. Instead, he's honorable, deadly, and fond of cheeseburgers. Very unconvincing, to say the least, that we have a fat black guy play a samurai. It's like having an armless guy play a trapeze artist. Or Fergie playing a role as a hot chick. Or Tom Cruise playing a Samurai. So this fat, black guy goes out and chases even fatter, slower, and older gangsters and kills them. The main boss of the crew faces Ghost Dog (which is Forest's dumb name) and says I've been expecting you. They stare at each other for like seventeen minutes and then Ghost Dog shoots him. It was less climactic than sex with me. After Ghost Dog kills someone, he, in the most pussy-esque way possible, spins his gun around like it's a sword before putting it away. It would piss you off so much if you saw it, I swear. The other ninety percent of this movie is Ghost Dog driving around in a stolen luxury sedan and bad poetry. Ghost Dog's obese ass drives around a Mercedes for like twenty minutes, and it leads nowhere. The director must have had a nine minute movie that he had to fill with suicidally pointless driving scenes. Then there's horrible fucking quotes from some ancient Japanese shit that are completely out of context and of no significance whatsoever. Let's say Ghost Dog kills some dudes. Right afterwards, you'll see something like this fade in to the picture and be read by Ghost Dog while he has food in his mouth. "The first flake of snow had fallen on the summit of the mountain, and the samurai knew the battle that would ensue would be reminiscent of his ascension. Even when his opponent has four heads, the samurai knows that his sword only glimmers in the afternoon." I shit you not. That's all the movie is. Fucking terrible, intensely boring and completely devoid of badassness (excluding a cameo from the RZA).  While Ghost Dog was amongst as threatening as a field of petunias, Anton Chigurh from No Country For Old Men might be the ultimate badass. In fact, the protagonist of the movie asked, "Who's this guy supposed to be, the ultimate badass?" in reference to Chigurh. Basically, No Country For Old Men is the best movie I've seen in at least three years. It is movie making so fine, Hitchcock would be proud. I could sit here and go on and on about how it was the perfect movie, I won't spoil it for those that haven't seen it (like Johnny, for example). I will, however, give credit to Javier Bardem as he played the best badass of this millennium. Anton Chigurh is a simple character at best. He scares the shit out of people with his haircut and deep man voice, he has no morals whatsoever and kills anyone loosely affiliated with his target with a silenced shotgun.  More badass than a barrel full of John Rambos. Having no regard for human life is pretty much the most badass thing a badass can do. Even ruthless killing machines, like Beatrix Kiddo, will only kill those that deserve to be killed. Badassess like Chigurh are rare and extremely appreciated. We don't want characters to walk around solving complex dilemmas of righteousness and internal struggles while trying to keep the family together. We want you to indiscriminately kill anything that gets in your way in the most efficient manner possible. Anton Chigurh might be my favorite badass ever. Not only is he a finely tuned killing machine, he's Hannibal Lecter smart and Indiana Jones resilient. I've been having nightmares of Chigurh hunting me down since I saw the movie and I couldn't be happier.  Wreck Marvin's mom's sweet vag again here. | |
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The Great Toothbrush Heist Of Aught-Seven |
December 7, 2007 |
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I noticed my toothbrush was wet as if someone had used it. It wasn't me, though. I hadn't brushed my teeth since the morning. I grabbed my tooth brush and confronted my family. Marvin: (points to toothbrush): Did one of you use my toothbrush?  Father: No no, that's my toothbrush. You can't prove it's yours.  Marvin: That's pretty amazing. Either way, you owe me a toothbrush.  Wreck Marvin's mom's sweet vag here. | |
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Chairman Meow |
December 5, 2007 |
 Swear your allegiance here. | |
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