Gay Toilet Sex: Summertime Pleasure or Mortal Sin?

July 11, 2007

During our daily scan of gay and lesbian news, we came across a dilemma occurring in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

Jim Naugle is not your normal politician. Basic Wikipedia research (the working man's research source) will tell us that he's a Democrat that has supported every single Republican presidential candidate since Nixon. He also hates homosexuals, apparently. He says he's a gay rights activist, but fights tirelessly against the "sins" of sodomy and homosexuality. Naugle goes as far as calling the largest newspaper in the area (the South Florida Sun-Sentinel) the "Rainbow Sentinel" or "Scum-Sentinel" because gay "vagrants" run the paper.

Side note: This is all very ironic for a man who's first job was selling fruitcakes.

Second side note: Who says vagrants? Am I right, guys?

We respect Mayor Jim Naugle for thinking about preserving the sanctity of bathroom stalls and trying to stop gay sex in world famous gay hot spot Sebastian Beach. We know he's doing God's work now. Those despicable gays now have to resort to fucking in theaters, saunas, back seats of Camaros, or Naugle's back yard.

While he's at it, Naugle is going to continue the fight against gay sex and form a brigade that would stop gay sex around the world (except South America, that's a lost cause), complete with Harrier Jets, armed watchtowers, and spring loaded mechanisms on any bed susceptible to homoerotic activity in order to shoot the copulating couple violently through a wall.

We also can't believe that Naugle found a bargain of a price of 250k for a toilet with an automatic door that opens up after a minute. I'm assuming that he's getting platinum door handles and solid gold toilet seats. No price is too high to keep a homophobic's paranoid bathroom sex theories from turning him gay- because you can catch gayness from toilet seats.

We also appreciate openly gay lawyer Dean Trantalis' input on the topic.

"I'm not an expert on public toilet sex," said Trantalis, "but there are those who would say one minute would be enough. Or 30 seconds."

Really, we're left curious as to where we, or anyone, can find an expert on toilet sex. If that degree was offered at our local community college, we would have seriously considered it before forgetting about the whole idea shortly afterward.

Naturally occurring homophobic comedy aside, Jim Naugle is an ass. Spending an unbelievable amount of tax money on something that isn't even a problem at this particular beach is one thing. Voting this flip flopping fuck into office THREE CONSECUTIVE TIMES is another. The ridiculous residents of Fort Lauderdale deserve Naugle. I'm seriously considering moving to Ft. Lauderdale to run for mayor. Even if my platform consisted entirely of running over babies in a steamroller, I'd still be surprised if I lost.

Naugle needs to realize that gays are going to fuck regardless of his moral resistance to old fashioned sodomy. They're unstoppable, just like Juggernaut in X-Men 3.

Most importantly, a stall door flinging open while I'm taking a monster, post-chili cook off shit would be much more horrifying to the general public than dicks in asses. You can bank on that.

Besides- if we give gay people their own special toilets, don't you think that other minorities, like the blacks, will be clamoring for separate restrooms?

Have gay sex in a bathroom here.